Came to believe… I didn’t start out believing. In fact, at first I didn’t believe in anything, not even myself. I felt dead inside. I didn’t trust anyone. I had no idea how to let people in. I didn’t have the ability to see myself outside of my addictions and behavioral junk. If I was high or in a relationship where I knew what was expected of me, I was fine. Now I laugh as I think back on that early recovery time. I just had no sense of who I was or even how to ‘be’ in this world. I truly felt crazy.
I did all the right things. I even went to a psychiatrist during a really difficult time. I walked in and started ranting and raving and crying, “Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m bi-polar or schizophrenic. I just can’t do this. I don’t know how to act. I am afraid.” I stormed around the office stopping only briefly as I realized how insane I must have looked. Then after about 2o minutes, exhausted, I sat down.
I looked desperately at the doctor, and he said calmly, “It looks like you‘re having a bad day.” “Are you kidding me?” I shouted incredulously! Abad day?This is my life!!!” I wanted to grab him by the throat. I couldn’t believe he said that. A bad day!
He gently held his hand up and said something that changed my life forever. “You are making some huge changes in your life. Walking away from your addictions (drugs, relationship/ sexual addictions, as well as all of the character defects, lying/manipulating and such that go with them) and learning new coping skills. Discovering who you are outside of all the lies. If you don’t expect some ‘bad days’ or tough times, you are just setting yourself up to fail. What you need to know is you will get through this. You will be OK!” That’s where Step Two comes in: “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
I found this step difficult at first. It was hard to believe that God cared for me and wanted – even delighted – in my recovery. But after awhile, I began to feel His presence. To hear the Holy Spirit’s suggestions. And to have hope for the first time in my life. Hope that there is a God and he can restore me to sanity. Wow!
I love this take from Stanley, an architect whose life had been controlled by an addicted son for 16 years. He said, “I learned how to let go by watching others who were dealing with the same type of problems and noticing that they looked okay. They were doing something to deal with it better. I drew strength from their strength. I saw others with similar circumstances, behaving in a sane manner, looking happy and healthy.”
I remember one day I woke up early feeling amazing. I laughed out loud and wondered why I felt so good. Was it my birthday? A holiday? What? Then I heard God say, “This is health.” I thought, “Shut up!” (you’re kidding me) I had never felt good for no other reason than just being alive. Health, huh? Cool. So it really is worth the fight, getting through the ‘bad days.”
Whatever you are holding on to, whatever lies or addictions continue to keep you in bondage and feeling crazy, turn it over to God. He will restore you to sanity. More than that He will show you who you are. He will awaken in you talents and passions that will make your life worth living. The Bible says that God will give you the desires of your heart. Right now you may not know what those are. But take a chance. Let go and let God!